Finding “oneness” led me to lose myself.

Okay, I have been MIA. I think since around December, so it’s been a good almost a year since I’ve made a post. It seems like forever ago.

I’ve gone through an intense death and regain of my ego. I almost lost sight of all of my spiritual strength because I was chasing after this idea of “Oneness”. I began to break down all of the tools and my spiritual toolbox and found that I am all of it – “we are one”. I realized how we are all of the same. We are all energy.

I began to investigate what this meant for my ego. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to try to train my ego, and becoming more and more aware of this just really put me into a mind to loop. Questioning the ego is the work of the ego on its own! I found that wanting to create this blog was my ego at work and this created fear around what I wrote.

I guess I’ll backtrack.

I started listening to this spiritual teacher. I wouldn’t say “teacher” of sorts. I would say spiritual investigator. I would listen to her updates of all of her epiphanies, and experiences until I started not agreeing with them. That’s how you truly know that you’ve come a long way. When instead of listening and accepting what you hear as truth, you start questioning it because you know your truth better than they know. It really is what resonates and what does not. Nothing is right or wrong. It just is, right? Or wrong? Ahhh, do you see how I get into mind loops?

I started to think that my ego was in control of this need to move forward with things or protect myself. With that said, I decided to stop saging my home. I used to Sage my house periodically. I used to sage my whole body sometimes when I would come back from a store or a crowded area.

Then I started thinking…. “Why do I think I need this if I am just one with everything?” I am the dark and the light, so why would I need to protect against darkness when I am a part of the darkness? I stopped staging for a few months because it felt like a crutch. I also stopped meditating. I stopped tapping into my guides because when I had the realization that they were me like, why would I feel the need to tap into them if I can just think and be them? I just stopped everything, and I thought I was empowering myself. However, I see now in hindsight that I disempowered myself, and I pretty much lost hope.

I fell into a really dark depression point of my life. I found that I felt just as depressed as I did over a decade ago. With this realization I remembered what had brought me out of that depression; my spiritual journey. Well over a decade ago, I started tapping in to my guides and always had some sort of metaphysical studies to investigate. I discovered that dropping all of it caused me to become depressed. After a few months of Nothingness in my life, I saged my house. Oh my gosh, my house felt so clear and amazing afterwards.

I realized that when I went so deep into Oneness, I almost learned everything that I wanted to learn. Then there was nothing else to learn. This made me realize even more that my soul chose to be here on the Earth plane to experience what it’s like to be human. Saging my house is an experience of being human. Tapping into my Spirit guides and meditating is a way of being human. Feeling such despair and depression is also a part of being human.

I feel like the spiritual Community really tries too hard for us to realize that we are “all one”. In the grand scheme of things, that’s where we came from. We were “all one” before we came into this Humanity of separateness, and that’s what makes being a human so special. We are all so different. Diversity can cause our egos to judge one another, but that’s what makes it so beautiful. Not the act of judging… it’s the realization of it all that is so powerful. Otherwise, we would be bored. The dark and the light that seemingly separates us all is what creates the rainbow.

After I came across this epiphany of “Oneness is the endzone”, I wanted to go back and rediscover the beauty of being a human. Now that I’m back at this stage again with new glasses on, I guess you could say now I’m trying to explore how to manifest as a human because I kind of skipped that part like. I figured out that we are all one, but I never really fully figured out how to rapidly manifest things. I kind of grazed over that.

I don’t know if anybody watches Grey’s Anatomy… I used to watch that show a lot and I always go back and quote it because there’s so much that really does apply. I remember there was a surgeon on there named Dr. Yang. She managed to skip all of her basic surgical training because she was so smart. She was able to skip ahead and learn all of the most complicated procedures, and she skipped all the basics. This ended up backfiring on her because she was in a surgery where she had to know the basics. She just didn’t know it and somebody had to step in and save the day.

I think that’s the point of the journey that I’m on now. I feel like I skipped so far ahead metaphysically that I didn’t really learn the basics. I realized that skipping to the end has caused me to feel blocked. I have been so focused on channeling and tapping into all of these higher sources, but have not expressed any of it to anyone. What good is channeling when no one can learn from such wisdom?

I have such anxiety about even voicing this on this blog right now. I recorded it prior with the intention of posting it on YouTube. I instead transcribed it with the irrational fear that YouTube felt too invasive even without my face shown. It took so much out of me to actually record this, and so these are the basics that have been blocking me. The anxiety is actually a form of resistance. I have to break these barriers and just be me.

Baby steps.

I’m going to start putting out these videos and journals without censorship.

I think what really stopped me up until this point was my ego wanting to censor myself judging myself not being comfortable and being myself and exposing myself to other people. This resistance is making all of my channelings and epiphanies worthless. They may have helped me, but they could help so many others. I missed the whole point of being human is to truly be our self, and be vulnerable in sharing ourselves.

I think I’ve just been hiding for way too long.

So, I guess this is my formal introduction to myself. I’m going to finally put myself out there and be me. I am even resisting the urge to make corrections to my writing. It’s my journal in the end and I don’t need to edit that.

So hello everybody. It’s official. I’m embracing my Humanity stepping into vulnerability.

Hello, my name is Jenny. I’m here to be of service to you all.